YOU ARE UNABLE TO ACCEPT WHAT HAS HAPPENED.
You are completely numb and talk and act in a matter of fact, aimost mechanical in manner. People think you are being 'very brave'. What is happening is that the reality is so terrible and the pain of the truth so great, that you are unable to sustain it in one blow. Very gradually you will come to accept the known facts.
ANGER
Anger is one of the first reactions of someone who has been bereaved by a natural death, even when it was expected, so your anger must be much greater. Strong feelings of anger and resentment are all to common. You wonder 'WHY ME'? - 'WHY THEM'? You feel upset by the lack of understanding by those in authority. They may not seem to understand the importance of what has happened. It may rain down, not only on the suspect, if there is one, but on the family, the police, anyone who you believe (however unreasonably) could have prevented the murder. If you have a faith, you feel angry at your God for permitting this dreadful thing to happen.
LOSS
The sense of loss is overwhelming. Some describe it as waves of physical sensation which comes and goes at any time leaving them feeling exhausted. The deep feelings of sadness, anguish and depression are always there. You may also feel hopeless or as though you are going mad.
GUILT
No matter what actually happened of what we did, or did not do, it is often the case that people feel guilty. You may wonder if you should have done more. If a child - to have done more to protect them, even though you know you couldn't have done. You can invent a thousand reasons why it was your fault, 'I should have recognised that my daughter's boyfriend was unstable'. '1 should have insisted he/she learnt self-defence'.[! should have bought my husband/wife a mobile 'phone', and so on. The truth is that you have never and never will, be able to see into the future. You feel that someone must be to blame and the nearest person is yourself. These feelings of anger and guilt will last for weeks, and in some people several months or years.
HELPLESSNESS
You feel totally out of control of your feelings and what happens to you.
FEAR
Murder makes us aware of how unsafe and vulnerable we really are. When things go badly wrong we can see how easily it can happen.
OTHER PEOPLE ARE TAKING OVER
As soon as the death and the circumstances surrounding it become known, all kinds of people become involved and your loved one seems to be taken away from you. The police talk about 'their case'. Forensic scientists may want samples of clothing. The courts are setting hearing dates. You are being asked endless questions at a time when you find it very difficult to concentrate, and have no mental or physical energy. You are desperate to ensure that everything in the investigation goes correctly and worried that you have may have forgotten something important.
ASKING QUESTIONS
It is important that you are told as much about the circumstances surrounding the death as possible. What you do not know your mind will invent and that can be even more distressing than the truth. In some states in American the victims family and friends have a statutory right to know about the progress of the police investigation, anything relating to the crime; ending with notification when the murderer is eventually released.
COPING WITH THE MEDIA
You may be confronted with reporters, and telephone calls, asking for background information and photographs. If you do not want to talk to them you do not have to. Simply refer them to your Solicitor or a willing friend and agree a short statement which he or she will give on your behalf. However, you might find it is helpful to speak to the press and ensure that your side of the story is told. If they are going to publish a photograph it is better that they use one that you like. In most circumstances there is no harm in talking to the press, reporters are usually hardworking men and women with families and people they love. Their job is to report the news. Do not tell them anything you do not want them to print.
THE INQUEST
This will be the first legal procedure you will have to cope with. It is important to realise that it is not a trial, but an inquiry to establish the facts. When, where and how death occurred. The Coroner decides which witnesses should be asked to attend but you, or your lawyer, will have the opportunity to question any witness. You may find the inquest helpful, at least some fact will be established and you may learn more about the circumstances surrounding the death. If someone has been charged with the murder the inquest will be adjourned until after the trial. The Coroner will simply establish the identity of the deceased and the medical cause of death.
THE TRIAL
This will probably be the most stressful time of all. Apart from the unfamiliarity with the procedures you will be tested in so many other ways. It may be the first time you come face to face with the accused. You may hear their defence attacking the character of you loved one. You may hear what seems to you to be obvious lies, unchallenged. You are desperate for justice to be done and at a time when you are physically and mentally exhausted. You are expected to understand what is going on and to give clear and concise evidence. Try hard to let your common sense guide you. When the trial is over you will be able to grieve more, the public part of this nightmare will be over.
THE WAY FORWARD
The most important healing comes from talking. Go over what happened again and again with friends or people like SAMM who will have the time and the understanding. Try and locate a self help group; only someone who has shared such an experience can begin to understand how you feel. Of course you will never get over it. You will find that things become different, if not better. Try to recognise the danger signs of becoming too dependent on tranquillisers or alcohol. You may find that keeping a diary or writing down your thoughts is helpful. It does not matter if you never show your writing to anyone. In time your personal experience, terrible though it was, may enable you to help others, by joining a support group or an advisory body or campaigning to protect others. Anything positive that you can do in the memory of the one you have lost, will help you heal and face life with renewed strength.
The world around us can now seem much more dangerous and threatening. This can make us frightened that the same thing could happen again and fear for the safety of those we love ourselves.
For many, the worst is when family and friends return to 'NORMAL' lives. Everyone expects you to be 'all right', but you feel that you will never be 'NORMAL' again. The world goes on much the same as before, while inside you feel alone and isolated, and no-one really understands the pain, emptiness and anger which you are suffering.
You are unable to take in what has happened, everything seems unreal. Some members describe the feeling as that of being in a dream. You will find yourself going over things again and again like an obsession, feeling the need to know every detail of how or why this has happened to your loved one.
Don't be frightened about sharing your feelings. Sharing leads to support and a sense of being TOGETHER
HOW LONG WILL I FEEL LIKE THIS
This question does not have a simple answer. Some people appear to carry on with their lives. Others feel that as the years go on they feel angrier. All the reactions described will probably be with you for a long time, in some shape or form.
This may last longer than some people EXPECT or think is normal.
MERSEYSIDE PROBATION SERVICE
The National Probation Service offers a Victim Information Service to the families of Murder and Manslaughter Victims, when a conviction results in a prison sentence. Once the court proceedings have been concluded, a Probation Officer (not involved with the offender) will contact you to offer the Victim Information Service. It is entirely your choice to take up that offer, or not. If you do, you will then have your own Probation Officer contact throughout the prison sentence, who will advise you on progress on any developments that are likely to be of interest to you.
If, and when, a release is being considered, you can submit your views to the Home Office, via your Probation Officer. Such views will not decide whether or not someone should be released, but more about the conditions that should be attached to any licence, e.g. where the person should live. This could exclude a release to your locality if that was felt to be inappropriate. The Probation Officer (who specializes in prison work) will also explain the prison system to you and be available to take up any issue that causes concern.
The Probation Service and SAMM work in close partnership within the Merseyside area, with the aim of offering the very best advice and service to the family of Murder and Manslaughter victims. If you prefer, you can always route your enquiry to the Probation Service in Merseyside via a SAMM Management Committee member.
The Victims Charter (revised 1996) gives more details about the responsibilities given to the Probation Service in relation to services to victims. N.B. The Victims Charter is currently being revised; the new publication is expected in late 2002.
Through our 24 Hour Helpline we can arrange Home Visits for those that feel unable to attend our Group Meetings, after they have suffered the tragic loss of a loved one through Murder or Manslaughter.
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